a song i love and feel for...

Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri
I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half-alive
Now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, it took so long
Just to feel alright
Remember how to put back
The light in my eyes

I wish I had missed
The first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back you don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Finally! I've graduated!!

after 4 long years... i've finally graduated! wahahhaha... and it's so long ago since i came back in here to blog. My FYP was successfully done and i was glad that I did quite well! Weeeee....

Now, its all down to finding a perm job and repay all my loans, get some savings down and also to help with the household income... So for now, i'm waiting for my convocation, DnD and picture taking at Universal Studio Singapore with my friends!! So exciting hahaha!

I do believe I'm still broken... judging from my own immediate reaction...

thank goodness its one huge rock off... and

Handed in my thesis today! finally one down and many more to go... Still there r many more to go before i can officially heave a sigh of relief...

Weather is so hot!!! i can't stand it!! so many showers and i'm still sticky in a short period of time... i really need aircon soon... before i start studying for exams... I'm so sleepy actually so I also dunno if i wanna study at all tonite... maybe just get 1 lect over and done with ba...

need to get things done 1st before i can catch up on latest stuff... like my nike run lar, energizer run lar, fyp lar, social life lar etc... need more time! hahahaha

last day!

I have to submit my thesis tomorrow! My last report in my entire life in NTU SBS! hahahahaha... grad grad grad!! stress stress stress....

I'm feeling so sian and vexed!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! i need an avenue to vent my frustration! so here I am!! what the hell is wrong with this feeling? Probably due to the impending doom of tomorrow that will most likely decide my fate of 4 years!! argh..... *bang head*

okay.... deep breath! * ho-hum....* kk gotta go back to my thesis now... *pout.... gloom*

Deadlines approaching

Only 4 days left to my thesis deadline... I'm getting more and more freaked out!! But it doesn't seem to do a lot of good to my motivation at all... So in the end i have to set a timeline goal so that i can finish my thesis in time.
Getting sleepy and so I'm going to bed and have a very early morning for writing...

reminiscence

after a day back in TP, i found that i really miss the poly days so much... sigh...  so much memories of so many things and people... the lockers, the lecture theatres, the labs...

This week has a public holiday on friday for us! woohoo! at least its a short week in a way... which hopefully i can get my butt down to working seriously! Then next week is my last week in SNEC... think will miss the people dere and the times too... although i wun really miss the waking up so early everyday part hahahah...
it also means that i wun get to crap at work with my colleagues, tok abt nonsensical stuff, stare at pple, tease pple etc etc hahaha... still wondering what to get for my sup and my colleague b4 we leave from fyp...

i'll know by the time comes ba... bedtime!

marathon craze

i just signed up for another 5km marathon again! And i already have an obstacle night trail just a week before the 5km run! i'm like marathon mad! hahahaha... but i love going for such events!

Flu has finally got better tonight... once in a while i'll still have a little nose block, but its way better than the beginning of the week. Can't believe i had this cold for a whole week... made me so tired and breathless... good thing its gone.

I can't wait to go back to TP tml!! Weeeeee~~~~ haven't been back since I graduated from poly... really miss TP a lot, especially my own faculty... AFSN!! Wonder if the school still looks the same... Since i've got my dad's camera with me tml, i'll prob go do a short tour with my poly frens and take some pictures for keepsake! So excited to be back to my beloved school!! hahahah... tml is also the PA paddle championship for dragonboat and canoeing at Bedok reservoir.. thats also partly the reason why I can go back and visit TP...

2 more weeks left for my fyp attachment to SNEC. Its a love-hate relationship this whole period of time i guess... But still i'm gonna miss a lot of things and people from dere... miss all the crapping with my seafood family and my eye-candy! hahahahaha... =P

BEDTIME! SLEEP!!

Flu is refusing to go away... keep sniffing and sniffing... not been sleeping well... actually is more like disturbed sleep... maybe wearing my retainer is not allowing me to sleep well... hahahha *excuses excuses*

Thesis is so screwed!!! i need to quit FB le...till i hand in my thesis... OMG!! haiz... not in the best mental state right now... how to write siah... =P I'm finding that work is hindering my writing time.. like now is the best time for me to start all the writing juices flowing, but i need to go to bed for work tml!!! this is not good... BUCK UP GIRL!!! go go go!

Ok, back to my writing... till next time... ciao pple!!

New song...

收拾好行李 我要去哪里
只要跟着你 可是梦一推就醒
车外的风景 有你的声音
多希望是你 牵起我这身白衣裙
是我的婚礼 对面不是你
我控制不了我自己
如果你出现在这里


我终于成了别人的女人
曾经为你奋不顾身的人
只为你偶尔的温柔
越走越深
我终于成了别人的女人
等到最后无路可退的人
还担心留给你的爱
还是那么(样)深
还是那么深

i'm still awake! omg...

its almost 3 in the morning and i'm still refusing to go to bed! and i planned to go running tml morning at 8,15... crap! i'm not gonna wake up hahahah....

just gonna blog my day and i'm gg to bed. Had a great outing with my work mates! hahaha... we practically crap all the way from office to 313 Somerset, the continue to crap all the way through dinner and then SHOPPING!! I saw so many things i wanna get but trying hard to hold back the temptations... sigh... anyway, i really enjoyed all the crapping we had... and all the digging of each other's stuff kekeke... its been quite some time since i laughed till i cried... totally no image already hahaha... but its the little stuff that makes the company so fun to be with...

hook, line and sinker

Still feeling the ache... my muscles are recovering slowly... i still wince when i bend over, or lift my arms or if i sit down... hahaha feels like an old lady here...

Can't go training this weekend, gotta go to the temple with my family. Abit sad to miss training...

On the 2nd section of my thesis: materials and method. Seemed easier to write than my introduction part. Just dunno if its good enuff tats all.

new music in my musicbox: Jay Chou - 安靜. i find that its the most suitable song to describe my current status. Been my song for quite a long time already... Kinda hoping that this kind of feelings does not last any much longer and some other song will replace it soon. Read the lyrics in detail and every line strikes a chord deep within me.

周杰伦-安靜

只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天 
睡著的大提琴 安静的旧旧的 
我想你已表现的非常明白
我懂我也知道 你没有舍不得 
 
你说你也会难过我不相信 
牵著你陪著我 也只是曾经 
希望他是真的比我还要爱你 
我才会逼自己离开
 
你要我说多难堪 我根本不想分开 
为什么还要我用微笑来带过 
我没有这种天份 包容你也接受他 
不用担心的太多 我会一直好好过 
你已经远远离开 我也会慢慢走开 
为什么我连分开都迁就著你 
我真的没有天份 安静的没这么快 
我会学著放弃你 是因为我太爱你

muscles....

my body is protesting after a day of training under the hot sun! hahaha... had my 1st training on sunday and it was good... very tiring and barely could catch up in stamina but it was good nonetheless...
Today, i can feel all the aches and pain and sore and burns all at once hahaha... shoulders are both burnt from the sun, back and arm muscles are screaming out in pain with each movement hahaha.... slopping aloe gel is like the solution to my sunburns... red like lobster still hahah... gonna be tan once again!!
Loved the feeling to be back in action again. Hopefully I can catch up with the rest of the team asap...

More things coming up would be fyp and exams and then graduation!! Dunno if i'm looking forward to graduating or not... maybe i am in a way... *shrug* many things i'm still trying to figure out, balance and also forget... one step at a time....

procrastination at its best

THESIS!! i must do my thesis!! man... been dragging it long enuff le... i need pple to study wif me!! alone cannot leh... keep doing other stuff... man....

sleep sleep sleeep.... tml got training.... need wake up early and expend LOTS of energy!

lazy feel

weekend is here soon!!! yay! so i can wake up naturally on sat morning.... looking forward to it.. something that i havent had for a while...

Nothing interesting happened these few days... so its good in a way... peace! this entry gonna be real short... cos i wanna sleep already. keep feeling sleepy and tired very easily. Think it cos of low blood... zzzzz dreamland!!

one down.. and a few more to go

Finally handed in the HRM project report today! big WOOHOO!! and pat on the back to the both of us roomie! keke... now i'm gonna fully concentrate on working and fine-tuning my thesis. However, i'm at a bit of a block here. Things had been moving VERY slowly for my thesis as most of my energy had been used on HRM.. Bad choice. now i'm at a very tight schedule to work harder on my thesis. Its due for another round of looking thru by my mentor! TONIGHT! oh man goodness! i'm still very very very far behind! gotta work hard tonight and send it over to my mentor by tonight.

I'm not sure if i'm glad that i had a nap to get some energy back, or was it a mistake.. slept around 3am last night, woke up to get to work, and now i'm back in front of my laptop! well, to make the most of my time!

Convo date and time is out over the week, and so is the date for dinner & dance for the sbs graduating class. Roomie keep asking me to go... i havent really decided since i dun really like the idea of sitting at a table with pple i'm not that familiar with. Theme is Cape... i'm like 'huh?' interesting but kinda also not sure what to go as. its gonna be boring to just go in a dinner dress.. kinda playing with the idea of Red Riding Hood the movie look, or a Victorian vampire look hahaha... more gothic-like... see if i decide to go in the end 1st... weird thing is that Convo is right next day of d&d... crazy! we were thinking like half the cohort will appear at Convo still having hangover... and d&d on a weekday night doesnt really sound very fun too you know... can't go out and party after that too...

calm after the storm.. or a false sense of security?

today is so much better after the hysterical monday night/tues early morning... But i still want to kill a specific person, the feeling is still there... how can there be such a person with such THICK skin to leech on so people so many times!? seriously he needs someone to wake him up! how is a person going to survive in the working world by freeloading on others?? OMG... i still can't believe it...

can't rant too much tonight... need go to bed and also to decide if i should go school tml in the afternoon. Its scary but also seem inevitable if i dun wanna give up so easily... I shall see if my roomie can get time off from work. Haiz... I feel bad having to miss work so frequent this week...

Only thing pulling me by this week is the weekend activities... i need a run very badly...

Unsettled mood & random verbal diarrhea

Very sian probably sums up the day's feeling. Wasn't so bad in the day but as the night drew closer, i got more and more sian... Now, i think i'm trying my best to control my mood and not let it plummet even more into the abyss of sianness! hahaha...

Probably can think a few reasons that triggered: one is having a project due next week and i'm not at all interested in doing it. Others are probably better left unsaid... its driving me nuts... Life is not always smooth sailing... well, i think in my case, my thoughts and moods are not always smooth sailing is more like it... seriously going nuts here...

Tml gotta go back to school for a briefing... kinda lazy to go, now that i think about it. Also dunno what on earth i wanna do... I need another jog to clear my head tml... Just signed up for a night trail run at the end of April. Some obstacle course that's going to be like through the night and its only 1.6km. But along the way will be many obstacles that we have to overcome as i heard from my friend who is going with me.

Same friend just told me to go for training on sunday for dragonboat. Can't wait to see how's her team is like. Also can't wait to expend all my excessive energy so that i can totally de-stress. Dun think its just stress from school work, but also on the emotional side i think. No avenue of release emotionally so i guess its kinda building up to explode one day, who knows? *shrug*

Not that I dun wanna share also.. just believe that its not nice to be piling it on people who also have problems of their own too. In a way, i also kinda getting a bit eccentric in what info i am 'taboo' about hearing... its sort of a 'protecting myself from hurting' way i guess... it comes and goes as it likes... so far, its still not that bad... gets better some days and gets worse some days, depending on what i have seen/heard/'watever mode of communication'...

See... i'm already ranting on and on here... can't imagine if its to a real life person... i'll probably drive the person to madness =P okay, i'm not making any more sense, and writing more is not going to make more sense than before. Shall just end here and go back to my report writing.

2am

& i've just finished watching my princess. Yawn... think its more like fast forward through the good parts... At least its not a drama that i'll have to cry my eyes out again keke...

& since i've wasted yet another saturday, it means my sunday will be most likely spent on working on my project! I DUN WAN!!! sigh... oh well... wash up and off to bed then... its gonna be another early day up tml...

 My haircut

My 1st handmade Amineko (no face yet at the moment)

Haven't had pictures uploaded for some time and thought that this would be a good time to start. And since i din take much pictures lately, so got a few of those in my hp. My new haircut from abt a month back le ba... and the cat i made just recently. I'm working on my 2nd one at the moment... a pink one. I can't find darker coloured yarn at Spotlight... at least not in the brand that i'm using currently. The rest of the brands are a little pricer that this one... Lets see how this pink one goes. I'm experimenting with the different types of yarn threads. Like 100% wool, or mixture of wool and nylon and acrylic... so far, all seems to be quite okay. The 100% wool is a little more fuzzy after much handling than the rest i suppose *by my own observation that is* Its a very fun hobby! Just that it does make my left little and fourth finger a little aching and numb lately... I think its from too much gripping and handling of the thread... Lucky my mum kept her old steel crocheting needle. the one i bought was too thick for my current 4ply yarn. it'll prob work better on the 8ply ones...

I'm also quite glad after meeting with my fyp supervisor today. Lucky that her comments about my thesis so far wasn't that bad. Little bits of here and there needed editing and also more on the lack of substantial literature review still.... need to read and read more journals!!

Going for a jog tml morn so gotta sleep! Wanna train for the next 10k marathon i guess.. and see how i stand against it hahaha....

1 hour more to Friday!

Friday is finally here once again! Soon... weekend is a mad dash for time still even if its here... just that i dun have to wake up very early for work... keke... Feeling much refreshed and better after a day of rest at home yesterday.

Kinda in the mood for some sea sports or some marathon. Will be looking out for some new marathon to go this year... Sundown seems good to me just that i will need to train somehow...
time to go for long run!!

sleep sleep! late already... or else i wun wake up tml!

凌晨四點鐘

Still awake at this hour blogging... not that i'm awake specially to do this...
I just finished my 1st draft of my thesis introduction so that i can submit to my supervisor for comments. Hopefully it will not be painfully thrashed out! hahaha.... so after finishing it, i thought of spending a few minutes blogging and to send some emails out heh heh...

Anyway, it's still not the end of my worries yet. I have a list of stuff to complete and hopefully i will get them all cleared ASAP.
1. complete my HRM project proposal! *very urgent!*
2. Continue to work on my thesis.. *after intro comes materials & methods*
3. BS313 video lectures and revision and tutorial practice*so many!*
4. D&D closing and accounts stuff...*because i'm the treasurer! need get it done ASAP too*
5. Get well soon and get some rest! *Ah-choo!! sniff sniff*

Lately been missing my poly life quite a lot... like frens and school environment and stuff...
Oooo... and one of my cat is done! just that it has no expression yet *cos i dun have black cross-stitch threads!* Starting on my 2nd one already... and hope that it will be even nicer than the 1st one!

Time for bed!!! Zzzzz.....

水曜日の感じ

spent some time writing to clear my thoughts... to chat with myself in a way...
wednesday is here, which means half the week is over. getting a new hobby to keep my mind and heart occupied. getting more and more proficient in my crocheting techniques, and hopefully my 編み猫 will be completed soon. Need more colours for my yarns. Can't really get myself to do so many in baby colours or light colours anymore. Just doesn't feel like me... i'm more cool colours and dark colours! haha... thus my 猫の家族 must be like me! keke... lambie & sheepie are going to get jealous soon as the 'family' expands...

I need a break from work soon, prob take a day off to recharge next week. maybe i shld go KTV by myself for the morning. hopefully to relax and keep my mind from wandering.

Still now, although its more or less settled, i'm still a bit confused as to what had happened for the past few months. Kinda made me feel like '有點被耍' 的感覺. seriously... 我很好耍嗎? 我不是被拿來解悶的好嗎... 真是有點納悶...  =_=' *diaoz...*

三八婦女節快樂

early morning... and a cool wet morning... nice to be sleeping in but i'm at work keke... kinda quiet in here...

wud not have noticed the day till i got the early message from my fren... seriously i dun remember such days... and usually i wait for the girls to send messages to each other! this year guess i'm the 1st haha...

Slowly catching up with my lectures, still very behind with HRM... dun have really very big interest in the topic... lets see how my day goes today... not really in a very hardworking mood... I'm making progress in my new hobby... wonder if its going to turn out nice like what i've seen... but can't really find the colour i like that doesn't come in 100% wool... i think a mixture wud turn out better...

Confused

Changed the look of my blog... Looks good... but lately nothing much to blog about...
Busy is one word to sum up what's going on. Juggling FYP and work, catching up on lectures and project. Almost having a non-existent social life... haha...

General feelings lately is... hmmm... what would be a good word to sum it all?

Jaded.

In a still, dead kind of way... kind of like i dun belong here... and my blog title says it all i tink...
Feels good in a way... kind of like a flat emotionless life generally... neutral... no feelings of much to talk about...

Quiet would be a good word, like my heart is in a white snowy world which only i exist. Light snow falling around me... trees dressed in sheets of white powder... sparkling sky... silence all around... wonder how long this kind of feeling will last... & what will come next...

At least one thing i know is i closed a chapter of something... maybe thats got me thinking... and thus the above feeling generally... Maybe... *ponders....*

my head or my heart....

if i'm feeling lost... which should I follow? logic doesn't always seem to work...
maybe its like what they said, i used my head too much... no one knows the future... if i did not give a chance to find out what will happen, nothing will ever happen...
things i used to tell others, how come I just can't seem to use it upon myself as advice? It's funny when the same situation happens to me, i just can't seem to tell myself to do the same anymore. I used to say the same thing as my friend told me to do...
maybe i shld try to listen to my own advice for a change... or till then, it might be too late for any regrets... if things doesn't work out, then maybe its not the way it should be rite?
easier said than done... no matter what.. I have to decide soon... and not let things drag any further rite?
Yeah... maybe...

A nice song to listen to at night... heard it while watching Vampire Diaries
Plumb - Cut
I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

holey crap!

man... i'm speechless and in shock... dunno wat to do man....

I still cannot comprehend what i heard... even if it was with my own ears... man.. seriously confused n in shock... and i dunno how am i suppose to handle it... 1st time in my life... even till now, after a day to digest the information, i'm still feeling confused and think that it was all a dream and it din happen in real life... i mean, its not possible that such stuff can ever happen to me... i just dun believe it can...

Did yesterday really happen? Maybe the rain drenching damaged my hearing or my brain...
what to do..... holey crap... i really dunno how to react... sigh